"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Monday, November 22, 2010

on love

Kanina may nagtanong sakin, “are you still practicing?”. I got confused at first. Until I realized she was talking about my sexuality. Meron daw kasi siyang kilala, a priest, who didn’t realize he was gay until he saw a picture/art that made him realize he was (i find it weird that a picture can reveal your true sexuality, but heck, to each his own right?). sabi ko naman, “oo naman. It’s just that hindi ko talaga priority ang commitment ngayon. Sa dami ba naman ng ginagawa natin [sa medicine], hahanap pa ba ko ng commitment?”. Napangiti lang siya. And i added, “nabibilib nga ko sa mga classmates natin na committed ngayon. Hindi ko alam how can they juggle their time eh sa school pa lang tali na.”

One thing i have observed myself develop, as i mature, is to be self-centered. I tend to prioritize myself first amongst others. It really sounds selfish and a bit bitchy but i think i have a valid reason why. Hindi naman na kasi ako inosente pagdating sa relasyon. I had my share of commitments that ended up dwindling in the end. The sad part is, i put much effort on the relationship, as in bonggang bonggang effort and mega ligaw and suyo, pero it still led to break ups. Siguro the reason why i’m like this, selfish and self-centered, eh kasi ayaw ko na i-risk ulit yung sarili ko on the so-called “love game”. Ang hirap kayang masaktan. Daig pa ata ng lumbar puncture ang ma-brokenhearted eh.

Hindi kagaya ng ganto, wala ko iintindihin kundi sarili ko lang. No hang-ups. No commitments. No whatsoever. I can mingle with anyone i want with no strings attached.

Nakakatawa lang kasi naalala ko dati, nung panahong emo pa ko, ang lagi advice sakin ng mga kaibigan ko eh, “mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ko magmahal ng iba.” At dati hirap na hirap akong gawin yun. Kahanay nga ako ng GOMBURZA pagdating sa martyrdom eh. Kung may baklang santo, i think i would qualify. Pero now i realize, that slowly i’ve learned how to do it. I learned to love myself first. Kasi nga dba, (i remember i posted it here before), sino pang magmamahal sa sarili mo kung di ikaw lang din?.

This post is dedicated to a classmate/friend of mine. Learn how to love yourself first. Learn that rejections are part of the quest for love. As what another good friend of mine said, “move forward”. You don’t have to let go that easily, but you have to explore and widen your perspective on love. Don’t be blindsided by what you’re feeling. Don’t hinder yourself from experiencing love from different people, be it platonic or not. Close your doors if you will, but not permanently. In time you’ll be ready. And when the right one comes, you’ll know it.

*after being on hiatus, i would like to thank tine for inspiring me to blog again. It feels good to be back. :)


Tine Caberte said...

huwaat!! nagulat ako!! special mention ako! hehe.. ur welcome dennis..:) it is really good to be back in blogging especially after a stressful day..:) more posts to come.:)

and on love, I believe that you dont choose love. It is love that chooses you. Dont rush things..:) sbi nga ni impaktong marlon, "ang relasyon parang mangga, hindi masarap pag hinog sa pilit.." :) just enjoy friend and be happy!! :)

Anonymous said...

Even loving ourselves can be hard sometimes.
We can only learn to really love if we have a source of love. If we learn to receive love. Because we cannot give what we do not have.

Love's definition is Jesus. He is the author of love. And whoever is having a hard time loving himself or others can always just receive Jesus' love and rest in the love that knows no boundaries, no end. :)