"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Saturday, October 24, 2009

bitterness, AGAIN.

Yesterday i spent my whole day at Calgary. I joined a friend of mine who had an interview with this care home facility a few miles from downtown. The interview went great and my friend was asked when she can start. Here’s the dilemma. My friend and I went here in Canada to look for work. We hoped to get the same job on the same company and same location. But based on my experiences, it is very unlikely to get the things you hope for. So i kind of had this feeling that we will eventually have to separate. She is still undecided whether to accept the job or not because for one thing, being a live-in caregiver in a care home may drive you insane especially if you’re alone.

After the quick interview, we went to this mall to wait for another good friend of ours. We were there around 2pm (for the sake of preventing redundancy, let’s call our other friend B) and B met us around 6 already. He’s with a date though he insisted that it wasn’t a date, from the looks of it, it’s really was. I forgot to mention that B is gay. B’s date, let’s call him C, drove us around downtown and took us in this uphill view where you could see the whole city. It was really beautiful and breath-taking (literally, we had to climb around 100 steps just to get on top). I saw C making moves for B but B isn’t just that into C. Don’t get me wrong, i think is kind of cute but he doesn’t have that appeal. As C drove us home, he consistently made an effort for B to like him – opening his side of the car’s door, trying to find out what he likes and doesn’t and even asked B for a weekend getaway. B gave an ambivalent reaction and i can sense a feeling of irritation on his side.

Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning striking a tree and splitting it in two, i sense a feeling of jealousy. Jealousy on how B was being treated by C even though C knows he doesn’t have a chance. I suddenly wished i was B. Bitterness surrounded my whole being. I suddenly missed having an “us”. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that i suddenly missed having someone who i can be sweet with and be smitten to. that someone whom i can talk with in the wee hours of the morning to the point of falling asleep with my phone beside me. Someone to share my laughter or my anger. Someone who will stand by my side. I suddenly missed having a partner/bf. The thing is, it’s not in my character to fling around or as others would say, to play around the field. Believe it or not, i can be very loyal to the one i love as long as he doesn’t betray my trust. A strong characteristic of a true taurean based on my observation. I always seek for those long term relationship that seems to be very difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, i will still wait. But for the time being, i would just have to control my bitterness each time i see a happy couple. Darn it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

how jamir has been for the past couple of months

it has been a few months since i've posted something new in this blog. i know i have no followers here (or maybe just one) but nevertheless, i still want to continue blogging.

for the past 5 months that i have been inexistent in the blog world, a lot of things happened. 2 months ago, i applied for a canadian visa and had it approved a month after. about a month ago, i just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months who i thought was the love of my life. and just recently (2 weeks ago), i resigned from my job where i stayed for 7 months and decided to take a chance here in canada. you heard it right, i'm now in canada; in alberta to be specific and just a few miles away from calgary.

you might have thought that i have been living the dream here, but you're wrong. currently, i'm a bum with no backup plan besides going back to manila. but i'm not considering going back to manila anytime soon. i have a feeling that there's something good here in canada. that i could start a new future here. (cue in music: i've got a feeling by black eyed peas).

anyhoo, my blog entry wouldn't be complete if it doesn't have the trademark emo post. partly my reason of leaving for canada is because of my break up with my ex. for those of you who have read my previous blogs from my old blog site, he's the same guy i've been blabbering about ever since. and yeah, we made it official for us to be together 7 months ago. sadly, it only lasted for 7 freaking months. it ended up as how we always end things up, hanging. i texted him that i'm breaking up with him (insert reason why) and i got no reply from him. up to date, i haven't heard / read a single message from him. it sucks big time.

i tried to react differently after our break up. only a few of my friends knew about what happened. i think some of my friends still think that we are together up to now. this time, i did not make a scence anymore. as what they always say, "it is what it is". i don't have to color it up. it didn't work out and we broke up. plain and simple.

of course, there are times when i am forced to stop whatever i'm doing because i have suddenly thought of him. he's my persistent ghost of the past who wants to be remembered. but as days go by, i'm starting to learn how to be myself again - without him. little by little, i'm picking up the pieces that was left of me. and i just smile. because like what my friend once told me, "if no one else will love you for who you are, then you better start loving yourself."

Monday, May 18, 2009

grad pic



4th year college. nagsimulang maging busy ang kanya-kanya natin schedule. nagkataon na ako ang vice president at ikaw naman ang president ng ating section kaya madalas kapag may mga classroom activites, eh nagtutulungan tayong dalawa. isang araw bigla tayong sinabihan ng official school photographer na lumagpas na ang section natin sa schedule ng pagkuha ng grad pic ng buong klase at dahil ikaw ang presidente, ikaw ang nag-asikaso kung pano magagawan ng paraan ito at dahil nga isa kang magaling na presidente, nagawa mong isingit ang section natin ng araw na yun. isa sa ikinamamangha ko sa'yo, ma-abilidad ka sa mga ganyang bagay; isang katangian na wala sa akin.


habang unti-unting nawawala ang mga kaklase natin sa classroom, ako naman ay lumabas na din. sa aking paglabas, nakita ko ang boyfriend ko na nag-aabang sa akin sa corridor. dahil sa hindi ko na din siya madalas nakikita sapagkat nahiwalay tayo sa section nila pagtapak ng 4th year, eh nilapitan ko siya at naghagkan kami sa corridor. wala naman problema sa mga taong nasa paligid sapagkat lantad naman ang relasyon naming dalawa sa escuela. ikaw ang huling lumabas sa kwarto, tinitingnan kung may mga kaklase pa tayong natira. paglabas mo ng pinto, nagkatinginan tayo. nawala ang ngiti na naka-ukit sa iyong mukha. napalitan ng simangot na madalas ko makita kapag alam kong galit ka o kaya naman ay mainit ang ulo mo. habang pinagmamasdan ko ang sinasabi ng mukha mo, nakarinig na lang ako ng sigaw na mula sa'yo,


"ano ba jamir! di ba sabi ko bumaba na?? ano pa ginagawa mo diyan??"


pinagmasdan ko ang titig mo na biglang lumihis ng tingin para tingnan ang kasama ko. nagulat ako sa nangyari. nabastusan ako. sa dinami-dami ng mga kaklase ko na nakatambay sa corridor, ako lang ang sinigawan mo. sigaw na narinig ng lahat at napatigil sa kanya-kanya nilang ginagawa. nakaramdam ako ng galit. wala kang karapatan na pahiyain ako sa harap ng mga kaklase at kaibigan natin. "out of line" ang ginawa mo. sa aking galit, hindi ko na inisip ang bumaba pa. wala na akong pakialam kung magkakaron pa ko ng larawan para sa aking graduation. basta ang gusto ko lang ay umalis na sa escuela para hindi ko na masilayan muli ang galit sa mukha mo. pero dahil ako ang bise presidente ng klase, alam ko may obligasyon din ako na tulungan ka para sa kapakanan ng buong klase. wala din ako nagawa kundi ang sumunod sa lugar kung saan nandun ang school photographer.


sa aking pagdating, kitang-kita ko pa din sa mukha mo ang inis; lalo na ng nalaman mo na wala na akong balak magpakuha pa ng grad pic. inaamin ko, kaartehan ang inasal ko ng panahong yun pero ginawa ko yun bilang pagprotesta sa ginawa mong pagpapahiya sa akin.


unti-unting umusod ang pila ng ating mga kaklase habang unti-unting natatapos ang pagkuha ng larawan, maliban sa akin. habang naghihintay ako sa labas ng mga pasaway natin kaklase na hindi pa nakukuhanan, nasaktuhan na dumating ang isa sating kaibigan na nais kang makausap. ngunit dahil sa marami kang ginagawa, sa akin na lang niya ipinagbilin ang importanteng mensahe para sa'yo. at dahil sa wala na din naman ako magagawa, at hindi ko naman pwede sabihin na magka-away tayo, hinayaan ko na lang na ibigay niya sakin ang mensahe.


2nd to the last batch na ng ikaw ay lumabas mula sa studio. lima na lang ang natitira sa labas kasama ako. 'pag labas mo, medyo nahimasmasan na ang galit sa mukha mo. siguro dahil na din sa stress na dinulot ng photo shoot incident. nagdadalawang isip akong lapitan ka dahil na din sa takot na sigawan mo uli ako o di kaya'y hindi pansinin pero naglakas loob na din akong lumapit. nakatayo ka sa labas ng studio, tumabi ako sa gilid mo. bumulong ako sa kaliwang tenga mo,


"sorry..."


at dahan-dahan mong ninahan ang ulo mo sa balikat ko sabay tingin sa'kin at ngumiti. sa isang iglap, nawala lahat ang takot, kaba at galit ko sa'yo. napalitan ng saya at masarap na pakiramdam. parang gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. nakita ko ang mga mata mo na wala ng halong galit at tampo. tanging pagod na lang dahil na din sa stress na dinulot sa'yo ng photo shoot. sa mga panahong yun, gusto kita akapin; ngunit dinaan ko na lamang sa pag-akbay sa balikat mo sabay pag-nahan din sa ulo mong nakasandal pa din sa balikat ko. ikaw ang unang nagsalita,


"pumila ka na. sayang naman kung wala kang grad pic."


at parang utos ng amo sa kanyang aso, sumunod naman ako ng walang pag-aatubili. maghahapon na din yun, at alam ko ay may lakad ka pa nun. pero kahit ma-late ka sa lakad mo, hinintay mo akong matapos at makapagpakuha ng litrato. tinulungan mo pa kong mag-ayos ng buhok ko para naman magmukha akong graduating student talaga. natapos ang araw ng magkasabay tayo naglalakad patungong gate. at doon kinita ko ang boyfriend ko habang ikaw naman ay pumara na ng bus para makahabol sa lakad mo.

kinagabihan, nakareceive ako ng text message mula sa'yo. isang patanong na mensahe:


"bakit mo ginawa yon?"

"ang alin?" reply ko.

"yung mag-sorry..." mabilis niyang pag-reply.

"ah..eh kasalan ko din naman kasi hindi agad ako bumaba para tulungan ka."


hindi na siya nagtext. hindi ako makatiis at tinext ko siya,


"nagalit ka ba talaga kanina o nagselos ka?"

" : )" ang simpleng reply niya.


biglang kinalabit ako ng kasama ko sa sinehan,


"sino yan?" ang tanong ng boyfriend ko.

"ah wala, ate ko." ang mabilis kong alibi.

Friday, May 15, 2009

friends



I was watching reruns of the comedy series Friends when i suddenly remembered a conversation, Ross and Rachel had on their first date. it was in the museum where Ross works. they were stargazing underneath the artificial-made skylight.

Ross: "Listen, I'm sorry i had to work tonight."

Rachel: "that's ok. you were worth the wait...and i don't just mean tonight."

*** it made me wonder, do happy endings happen in real life?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

right to vote




They say the sincerest sign of democracy is election; that is, having the freedom to vote for people whom you think are capable of "serving" the country. take note, i used the term "serving" the country rather than "running" the country; there is a huge difference.


i'm turning 23 years old a few days from now yet, even though i've been old enough to vote a few years back, i denied myself from practicing my right. during the last presidential election, i was 17 turning 18 a few days after election date (May 11) that's why i wasn't able to register. as for succeeding elections, i just invoked my right NOT to vote. seeing the current events happening in our country is just too depressing that my will and belief that my vote counts seemed to diminish. everyday, news of blatant vote buying,crimes that are politics-related such as bank robbery and murders here and there, are heard in every means of media there is. these news made me feel that voting isn't just worth the effort for me to go down the precinct and vote candidates who i think deserve to be elected. besides, i am just one vote. had ballot switching occurred in our city, then my ONE vote would be useless.


then i saw the ad of ABS-CBN, "Boto Mo, Ipatrol Mo". sure this is another gimmick for their ratings to go up or it's their way of making sure they're the station who gets the latest scoop to be reported, but their ad did make sense, at least for me. it has been proven, that media is a very powerful tool - be it used in a good way or not. so powerful in fact, that in our history, twice it had been that media was used to kick a president out of malacanang. i think, this campaign really aims to empower the people who are hesistant to report election events that they believe are wrong and deserve to be flashed in the news. especially now that spreading news is easy as spreading the h1n1 influenza virus due techy modalities such as cellphones and digicam, voters will feel less fear if they want to report discrepancies on their precinct.


i have until October to be an official registered voter and i have yet to look for a BMIM's kiosk so that i can participate on their campaign. maybe this time around, media will be put to good use. i encourage everyone, especially the young ones (like me of course ^_^) who are eligible to vote, not only to be a registered voter but also to participate in BMIM's campaign. in our own little way, we could make a difference (what an Oprah statement. haha).


lastly, i'll quote US president Barack Obama, "YES WE CAN." (if Obama was able to do it, so can we.)



*** pics were from these sites:

botomoipatrolmomultiply

youthvotephilippines blogsite

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

flip a coin



Last Sunday, I was driving along NLEX going home from Bulacan, a sudden thought popped into my mind: med school. For years (2 years to be accurate), I have been dwelling on whether or not I will pursue med school or not. I really want to, but of course I have to consider certain factors why I decided not to. First one is of financial concern. I’ve talked with my mom about pursuing med and she wilfully agreed to what I want. It’s but natural for parents to provide whatever they can to their children. But I feel that with today's economy, pursuing medicine is more of a luxury rather than a necessity. Another factor to consider is the length of taking up medicine. Oftentimes I’ve heard from almost everyone I know that "5 years" isn't that long and shall pass sooner than I think. But it still is 5 years. 5 years of studying and of being dependent again to my parents. 5 freaking years. And that's only the start of it. Hopefully, if I complete 5 years in med school, residency starts and so on and so forth. By the time I finish studying, I’ll probably be on my death bed already (ok, I may have exaggerated here, but who knows?). Another factor I’m considering is my life-long dream to migrate to another country; which is the reason why I took up nursing in the 1st place. Naturally, if I’m fortunate enough to be a licensed physician here, I’m going to practice here. Thus, ending my dream of living in another country.


I remember the conversation that me and bene had a few days ago; about choosing the career I really want. Maybe this is the "blind leap" she was talking about; the "kick in the ass" moment I need. Maybe I do have what it takes to be a successful MD. I’m still in a struggle whether to go for it or not. This decision will really turn my life in complete 180 degrees.


Last night, I had a good talk with a very good friend of mine, Toni. I told her my plans and though I noticed a little disappointment in her voice (because we made plans together of going to Canada), she still encouraged me into pursuing medicine. I continuously whined about what to do and how I can come up with a decision that I think is best, she just told me a simple solution, “Flip a coin”. A few moments later, after I ended my conversation with her, a text message came in that says,


“What will you do when faced with two choices?

Simply toss a coin...

It works not because it settles the question for you,

But because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air...

You suddenly know what you’re hoping for...”