"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

epic fail



“what factors causes increase acidity in the stomach?”

Isip muna ko kahit nasa harapan na ko. Siyempre hindi ko naman memorize ang buong libro para masagot agad yun instantaneously at last time i checked, wala din naman ako photographic memory. That few seconds reminded me again how much pressure i’ve put myself into by entering med school. Binabalikan na naman ako ng mga thoughts ko to back out on medicine. Natatakot kasi ako sa failure. Imagine, i know i prepared for it as in effort kung effort sa pagbasa sa kung anong dapat basahin, pero for what? Para sa 2 out of 10 na grade? Sleepless nights spent for a measly grade of 2. Ang saya diba? Nahiya pa yung prof ko at binigyan pa ko ng 2 eh.

Hindi talaga ko magaling pagdating sa mga oral revalida. Nung college naman ako eh hindi ako nakaranas ng ganito kasi wala naman kaming oral revalida in the first place. Pero hindi ko din naman masasabing bago pa lang sakin ang ganitong activity dahil simula first sem pa lang eh sinabak na kami. Pero of all the lab conferences that we had, i always manage to fail. Ang hirap kasi hindi ko naman talaga master yung buong libro, sana konting consideration man lang na pwede sumilip (kahit silip lang ) sa notes. But nooooooo, out of the 90+ slides that we prepared, we were only able to use 5 slides, mostly graphs lang. Oh dba kamusta naman sa effort dba, parang sana hindi na kami nag-effort gumawa ng ibang explanation.

Ganun ba talaga sa medisina? Expect the unexpected. Eh pano yan, i damn hate surprises. Hate them. Despise them. Kailangan daw quick thinker, eh hindi din naman ako ganun. Ano ba, pumasok ba ko sa institution na ipopoint out sakin kung ano ang wala sakin at kung pano ko ikababagsak ito? Ang saya saya naman.

Kung ang grade ko ay isang ecg reading, flat line na ko. Code blue na. Or baka hindi na kailangan mag-code blue. Time of death na ba agad?

‘wag naman sana.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

on friendship



Less than 6 months ago, i get to meet them for the very first time. New school, new interactions, another form of socialization – and i thought i was done with it. It was quite awkward at first because believe it or not, I don’t socialize that well. It was only when I’m in my comfort zone when I get to show who I really am – my funny antics and very, very, VERY boisterous laughter. Then i met them. One by one, i get to be close to them. For some, they call me “kuya”, but for others, we get by through first name basis. It started with lunch – we all became lunch buddies and from there, through small talks and chitchats, our friendship developed. It’s funny how you realize that you already are a friend to them and so they are to you. Friendship works in a funny way for it’s never intentional. If it was a laboratory experiment, I would’ve shouted “eureka” by now. But of course, just like in every experiment, there’s always a trial and error phase. Though the development of friendship is unintentional, you still get the freedom to choose (in the long run) whether to befriend a person or not. Amazingly, I didn’t have to endure that phase. Describing it in a cliché statement, “we just clicked”.

These are my future colleagues. In 5 years time, we will be doctors. And what better way to start Medicine if not for friends who are there who bullies, rants and makes fun of you yet, at the end of the day, you understand that it’s all just for the heck of it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

on love


Kanina may nagtanong sakin, “are you still practicing?”. I got confused at first. Until I realized she was talking about my sexuality. Meron daw kasi siyang kilala, a priest, who didn’t realize he was gay until he saw a picture/art that made him realize he was (i find it weird that a picture can reveal your true sexuality, but heck, to each his own right?). sabi ko naman, “oo naman. It’s just that hindi ko talaga priority ang commitment ngayon. Sa dami ba naman ng ginagawa natin [sa medicine], hahanap pa ba ko ng commitment?”. Napangiti lang siya. And i added, “nabibilib nga ko sa mga classmates natin na committed ngayon. Hindi ko alam how can they juggle their time eh sa school pa lang tali na.”

One thing i have observed myself develop, as i mature, is to be self-centered. I tend to prioritize myself first amongst others. It really sounds selfish and a bit bitchy but i think i have a valid reason why. Hindi naman na kasi ako inosente pagdating sa relasyon. I had my share of commitments that ended up dwindling in the end. The sad part is, i put much effort on the relationship, as in bonggang bonggang effort and mega ligaw and suyo, pero it still led to break ups. Siguro the reason why i’m like this, selfish and self-centered, eh kasi ayaw ko na i-risk ulit yung sarili ko on the so-called “love game”. Ang hirap kayang masaktan. Daig pa ata ng lumbar puncture ang ma-brokenhearted eh.

Hindi kagaya ng ganto, wala ko iintindihin kundi sarili ko lang. No hang-ups. No commitments. No whatsoever. I can mingle with anyone i want with no strings attached.

Nakakatawa lang kasi naalala ko dati, nung panahong emo pa ko, ang lagi advice sakin ng mga kaibigan ko eh, “mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ko magmahal ng iba.” At dati hirap na hirap akong gawin yun. Kahanay nga ako ng GOMBURZA pagdating sa martyrdom eh. Kung may baklang santo, i think i would qualify. Pero now i realize, that slowly i’ve learned how to do it. I learned to love myself first. Kasi nga dba, (i remember i posted it here before), sino pang magmamahal sa sarili mo kung di ikaw lang din?.

This post is dedicated to a classmate/friend of mine. Learn how to love yourself first. Learn that rejections are part of the quest for love. As what another good friend of mine said, “move forward”. You don’t have to let go that easily, but you have to explore and widen your perspective on love. Don’t be blindsided by what you’re feeling. Don’t hinder yourself from experiencing love from different people, be it platonic or not. Close your doors if you will, but not permanently. In time you’ll be ready. And when the right one comes, you’ll know it.

*after being on hiatus, i would like to thank tine for inspiring me to blog again. It feels good to be back. :)