"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Sunday, August 22, 2010

burned out


Minsan napapagod na din ako mag-isip. Nagpapatong patong na yung mga gawain para sa school to the point na nawawalan na ko ng oras para sa ibang bagay particularly sa mga kaibigan at pati na din sa pamilya ko. These past few weeks, ang nagiging weekend na lang talaga ay ang Friday night. Pero dahil physiology ang subject ko every Friday, at kadalasan ay puyat ako ng araw nay an, i just choose to go straight home and sleep or if permitted, hibernate.

alam ko ginusto ko ang kurso ng medisina pero minsan pumapasok sa isip ko ang tanong “am i really up for it? For the challenge?”. May ilang beses na din naman kasi ako napapahiya sa klase dahil hindi ko nasasagot yung mga tanong ng professors ko at kadalasan dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa. Defense mechanism ko ang pagtawa kumbaga. Pakiramdam ko nga, no one among my classmates take me seriously anymore. Pakiramdam ko i’m the class clown. At bilang isang clown, natural lang na maging masayahin sa panglabas pero pag sa tototoong nararamdaman, ibang usapan na yan.

Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ko sa daan na pinili kong tahakin. Naninibago pa din sa bagong environment na kung asan ako ngayon. Naaalala ko dati nung college, i was always at the top of my class. Heck, i even graduated with honors, pero ngayon i really feel down. Grabe pala ang competitiveness sa medisina. Kumbaga sa mga magnanakaw, kapit sa patalim ang labanan. Nakaka-suffocate, nakakabaliw at nakakalungkot.

Kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Pwede ba mabili yun? Kahit tatlo isandaan bibilhin ko. Pasama na din ng faith, hope and courage. Sana may online site na pwede ma-purchase ‘tong mga ‘to just to get through my everyday med life. Nalulungkot na ko eh, naubos na yung paghahanap ko ng silver lining sa bawat not-so-good scenarios i’ve been through.

On another note, i just found out that this guy i like for so long is already in a relationship. I texted him about it and asked if it was true (since i only knew about it through FB) and he replied “yes”. And all that i can mutter to reply back is this, “i’m happy for you mr barista. See you around.”

Oh the irony of love – it hurts that you just don’t want to deal with it anymore no matter how sweet the feeling of love is.

5 comments:

Single Noah said...

Hey, I'm bit surprised with the last part of this post. No, I am not judging, I just didn't expect it or I just misunderstood??!?!

Anyways, I can relate. Everything you said here, my sentiments exactly. Can I hug you right now? Are you like my soul mate? :)

icka said...

Naghahanap rin ako kung san makakabili ng mga ganon, pero wala eh. All I can offer is that you have me to lift your spirit up! Pag napapagod tayo, we take a chair and sit. As we gather up some air, we also find reasons to stand again. The next thing you know, andon ka na ulit sa labanan. When I’m on the limit of my emotional distress, I think of ways why I should keep going. You can do that too, like think of 100 reasons why you love medicine, believe me hindi ka mauubusan niyan. Try to post each of those sa wallet mo, sa page ng book mo, sa kodigo mo, sa gilid ni stabilo. Para naaalala mo yung mga bagay kung bakit mo pinasok ang medisina.


Few months ago, I was in the same situation as yours. I had this theory na mali na yung ginagamit kong defense mechanism. I’d put up a brave face when I feel like dying inside. But I felt na yun na lang yung panlaban ko to get me through the situation. Akala ko madali lang lahat, kasi I was on the situation na nagfi-fit yung strengths ko. Gosh, I was a total mediocre, to the point na my dilemma about everyday is this type of drama - “where was the me, that I knew so well”. Having been given a situation that I thought it was too familiar and chicken to deal with, but those are the things that challenge the very core of everything that I believe. I have learned the value of time, perseverance, flexibility and the gift to trust myself. Ika nga ni Mareng Oprah – “Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a different way to stand. “


You’ll be in my prayers. Hug nga kita, hmmmmmm…. Pumapayat. Nakakalimutan na kumain :p

Jamir said...

hey noah,haha seriously you were surprised? i thought it was quite obvious.

ang hirap ng medisina pala noh, buti na lang we're here to cheer each other up :D

*hugs* noah

arkin said...

quit na! chos. kebs lang yan. madedesensitize ka rin.

Single Noah said...

No, it's not obvious for me or I'm just slow? O well, yes, good thing you're here for me and I am here for you. We'll manage through this together.. :)

We're all in this together... (HS Musical, lalala...)

*hugs back*