"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Monday, May 18, 2009

grad pic



4th year college. nagsimulang maging busy ang kanya-kanya natin schedule. nagkataon na ako ang vice president at ikaw naman ang president ng ating section kaya madalas kapag may mga classroom activites, eh nagtutulungan tayong dalawa. isang araw bigla tayong sinabihan ng official school photographer na lumagpas na ang section natin sa schedule ng pagkuha ng grad pic ng buong klase at dahil ikaw ang presidente, ikaw ang nag-asikaso kung pano magagawan ng paraan ito at dahil nga isa kang magaling na presidente, nagawa mong isingit ang section natin ng araw na yun. isa sa ikinamamangha ko sa'yo, ma-abilidad ka sa mga ganyang bagay; isang katangian na wala sa akin.


habang unti-unting nawawala ang mga kaklase natin sa classroom, ako naman ay lumabas na din. sa aking paglabas, nakita ko ang boyfriend ko na nag-aabang sa akin sa corridor. dahil sa hindi ko na din siya madalas nakikita sapagkat nahiwalay tayo sa section nila pagtapak ng 4th year, eh nilapitan ko siya at naghagkan kami sa corridor. wala naman problema sa mga taong nasa paligid sapagkat lantad naman ang relasyon naming dalawa sa escuela. ikaw ang huling lumabas sa kwarto, tinitingnan kung may mga kaklase pa tayong natira. paglabas mo ng pinto, nagkatinginan tayo. nawala ang ngiti na naka-ukit sa iyong mukha. napalitan ng simangot na madalas ko makita kapag alam kong galit ka o kaya naman ay mainit ang ulo mo. habang pinagmamasdan ko ang sinasabi ng mukha mo, nakarinig na lang ako ng sigaw na mula sa'yo,


"ano ba jamir! di ba sabi ko bumaba na?? ano pa ginagawa mo diyan??"


pinagmasdan ko ang titig mo na biglang lumihis ng tingin para tingnan ang kasama ko. nagulat ako sa nangyari. nabastusan ako. sa dinami-dami ng mga kaklase ko na nakatambay sa corridor, ako lang ang sinigawan mo. sigaw na narinig ng lahat at napatigil sa kanya-kanya nilang ginagawa. nakaramdam ako ng galit. wala kang karapatan na pahiyain ako sa harap ng mga kaklase at kaibigan natin. "out of line" ang ginawa mo. sa aking galit, hindi ko na inisip ang bumaba pa. wala na akong pakialam kung magkakaron pa ko ng larawan para sa aking graduation. basta ang gusto ko lang ay umalis na sa escuela para hindi ko na masilayan muli ang galit sa mukha mo. pero dahil ako ang bise presidente ng klase, alam ko may obligasyon din ako na tulungan ka para sa kapakanan ng buong klase. wala din ako nagawa kundi ang sumunod sa lugar kung saan nandun ang school photographer.


sa aking pagdating, kitang-kita ko pa din sa mukha mo ang inis; lalo na ng nalaman mo na wala na akong balak magpakuha pa ng grad pic. inaamin ko, kaartehan ang inasal ko ng panahong yun pero ginawa ko yun bilang pagprotesta sa ginawa mong pagpapahiya sa akin.


unti-unting umusod ang pila ng ating mga kaklase habang unti-unting natatapos ang pagkuha ng larawan, maliban sa akin. habang naghihintay ako sa labas ng mga pasaway natin kaklase na hindi pa nakukuhanan, nasaktuhan na dumating ang isa sating kaibigan na nais kang makausap. ngunit dahil sa marami kang ginagawa, sa akin na lang niya ipinagbilin ang importanteng mensahe para sa'yo. at dahil sa wala na din naman ako magagawa, at hindi ko naman pwede sabihin na magka-away tayo, hinayaan ko na lang na ibigay niya sakin ang mensahe.


2nd to the last batch na ng ikaw ay lumabas mula sa studio. lima na lang ang natitira sa labas kasama ako. 'pag labas mo, medyo nahimasmasan na ang galit sa mukha mo. siguro dahil na din sa stress na dinulot ng photo shoot incident. nagdadalawang isip akong lapitan ka dahil na din sa takot na sigawan mo uli ako o di kaya'y hindi pansinin pero naglakas loob na din akong lumapit. nakatayo ka sa labas ng studio, tumabi ako sa gilid mo. bumulong ako sa kaliwang tenga mo,


"sorry..."


at dahan-dahan mong ninahan ang ulo mo sa balikat ko sabay tingin sa'kin at ngumiti. sa isang iglap, nawala lahat ang takot, kaba at galit ko sa'yo. napalitan ng saya at masarap na pakiramdam. parang gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. nakita ko ang mga mata mo na wala ng halong galit at tampo. tanging pagod na lang dahil na din sa stress na dinulot sa'yo ng photo shoot. sa mga panahong yun, gusto kita akapin; ngunit dinaan ko na lamang sa pag-akbay sa balikat mo sabay pag-nahan din sa ulo mong nakasandal pa din sa balikat ko. ikaw ang unang nagsalita,


"pumila ka na. sayang naman kung wala kang grad pic."


at parang utos ng amo sa kanyang aso, sumunod naman ako ng walang pag-aatubili. maghahapon na din yun, at alam ko ay may lakad ka pa nun. pero kahit ma-late ka sa lakad mo, hinintay mo akong matapos at makapagpakuha ng litrato. tinulungan mo pa kong mag-ayos ng buhok ko para naman magmukha akong graduating student talaga. natapos ang araw ng magkasabay tayo naglalakad patungong gate. at doon kinita ko ang boyfriend ko habang ikaw naman ay pumara na ng bus para makahabol sa lakad mo.

kinagabihan, nakareceive ako ng text message mula sa'yo. isang patanong na mensahe:


"bakit mo ginawa yon?"

"ang alin?" reply ko.

"yung mag-sorry..." mabilis niyang pag-reply.

"ah..eh kasalan ko din naman kasi hindi agad ako bumaba para tulungan ka."


hindi na siya nagtext. hindi ako makatiis at tinext ko siya,


"nagalit ka ba talaga kanina o nagselos ka?"

" : )" ang simpleng reply niya.


biglang kinalabit ako ng kasama ko sa sinehan,


"sino yan?" ang tanong ng boyfriend ko.

"ah wala, ate ko." ang mabilis kong alibi.

Friday, May 15, 2009

friends



I was watching reruns of the comedy series Friends when i suddenly remembered a conversation, Ross and Rachel had on their first date. it was in the museum where Ross works. they were stargazing underneath the artificial-made skylight.

Ross: "Listen, I'm sorry i had to work tonight."

Rachel: "that's ok. you were worth the wait...and i don't just mean tonight."

*** it made me wonder, do happy endings happen in real life?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

right to vote




They say the sincerest sign of democracy is election; that is, having the freedom to vote for people whom you think are capable of "serving" the country. take note, i used the term "serving" the country rather than "running" the country; there is a huge difference.


i'm turning 23 years old a few days from now yet, even though i've been old enough to vote a few years back, i denied myself from practicing my right. during the last presidential election, i was 17 turning 18 a few days after election date (May 11) that's why i wasn't able to register. as for succeeding elections, i just invoked my right NOT to vote. seeing the current events happening in our country is just too depressing that my will and belief that my vote counts seemed to diminish. everyday, news of blatant vote buying,crimes that are politics-related such as bank robbery and murders here and there, are heard in every means of media there is. these news made me feel that voting isn't just worth the effort for me to go down the precinct and vote candidates who i think deserve to be elected. besides, i am just one vote. had ballot switching occurred in our city, then my ONE vote would be useless.


then i saw the ad of ABS-CBN, "Boto Mo, Ipatrol Mo". sure this is another gimmick for their ratings to go up or it's their way of making sure they're the station who gets the latest scoop to be reported, but their ad did make sense, at least for me. it has been proven, that media is a very powerful tool - be it used in a good way or not. so powerful in fact, that in our history, twice it had been that media was used to kick a president out of malacanang. i think, this campaign really aims to empower the people who are hesistant to report election events that they believe are wrong and deserve to be flashed in the news. especially now that spreading news is easy as spreading the h1n1 influenza virus due techy modalities such as cellphones and digicam, voters will feel less fear if they want to report discrepancies on their precinct.


i have until October to be an official registered voter and i have yet to look for a BMIM's kiosk so that i can participate on their campaign. maybe this time around, media will be put to good use. i encourage everyone, especially the young ones (like me of course ^_^) who are eligible to vote, not only to be a registered voter but also to participate in BMIM's campaign. in our own little way, we could make a difference (what an Oprah statement. haha).


lastly, i'll quote US president Barack Obama, "YES WE CAN." (if Obama was able to do it, so can we.)



*** pics were from these sites:

botomoipatrolmomultiply

youthvotephilippines blogsite

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

flip a coin



Last Sunday, I was driving along NLEX going home from Bulacan, a sudden thought popped into my mind: med school. For years (2 years to be accurate), I have been dwelling on whether or not I will pursue med school or not. I really want to, but of course I have to consider certain factors why I decided not to. First one is of financial concern. I’ve talked with my mom about pursuing med and she wilfully agreed to what I want. It’s but natural for parents to provide whatever they can to their children. But I feel that with today's economy, pursuing medicine is more of a luxury rather than a necessity. Another factor to consider is the length of taking up medicine. Oftentimes I’ve heard from almost everyone I know that "5 years" isn't that long and shall pass sooner than I think. But it still is 5 years. 5 years of studying and of being dependent again to my parents. 5 freaking years. And that's only the start of it. Hopefully, if I complete 5 years in med school, residency starts and so on and so forth. By the time I finish studying, I’ll probably be on my death bed already (ok, I may have exaggerated here, but who knows?). Another factor I’m considering is my life-long dream to migrate to another country; which is the reason why I took up nursing in the 1st place. Naturally, if I’m fortunate enough to be a licensed physician here, I’m going to practice here. Thus, ending my dream of living in another country.


I remember the conversation that me and bene had a few days ago; about choosing the career I really want. Maybe this is the "blind leap" she was talking about; the "kick in the ass" moment I need. Maybe I do have what it takes to be a successful MD. I’m still in a struggle whether to go for it or not. This decision will really turn my life in complete 180 degrees.


Last night, I had a good talk with a very good friend of mine, Toni. I told her my plans and though I noticed a little disappointment in her voice (because we made plans together of going to Canada), she still encouraged me into pursuing medicine. I continuously whined about what to do and how I can come up with a decision that I think is best, she just told me a simple solution, “Flip a coin”. A few moments later, after I ended my conversation with her, a text message came in that says,


“What will you do when faced with two choices?

Simply toss a coin...

It works not because it settles the question for you,

But because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air...

You suddenly know what you’re hoping for...”

Sunday, May 10, 2009

for my mom

  • Free Orkut and My Space Mothers Day Graphics Glitters


you've done a lot for me, more than what one can expect in a lifetime.
you nurtured me, you sheltered me and protected me from harm.
you were always there by my side, ready to fight for me in just one heed of a call.
i know most of the time, i can be a burden.
i've grown up having my own beliefs and opinions that sometimes contradict what you taught me leading to petty fights between us.
but you easily cave everytime.
you are the weakest link when it comes to arguments.
yet you never seem to show how hurt you were.
and you still insist on what you think is right and what you want me to believe.
oh how pushy you are sometimes!
now this is the first and last time that i'm going to admit it and if ever asked again, i'll deny it even to the point of death:

thank you for being pushy.

because if not for your persistence, i would not have been who i am right now.
i know i have my flaws, yet you disregard it and concentrate on my positive attributes.
for you, i'm an angel. hah! how funny it will be if my friends knew about this.
they'll be laughing so hard, they have to stop reading this just to take a breather.

i actually don't know what to say.
i feel that a simple "thank you" is too small of an appreciation as to what have you done for me, what you've sacrificed for. but knowing you, just saying those two words is enough to make your heart melt.

so i say this, thank you mama. you are the best. i love you.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

out


There was no official date as to when I outed myself. I remember it was back in college, where i had my first “real” relationship (i had a previous partner back in high school. He was 23 while I was 15 and we lasted only for 3 months and met only thrice). It wasn’t exactly the way I planned it (well, i really wasn’t planning to out myself that time). A classmate of mine accidentally saw a doodle that I did at the back of my ex-bf’s notebook and that was it. No questions were asked and no one seemed to have frowned upon what they had discovered as if it’s a normal thing. I was actually surprised by how easy my friends have accepted the fact that one of their classmates (or should i say 2 rather) is gay. It wasn’t what i had in mind. The paranoid me always thought that once i outed myself, all of my friends will slowly drift apart as if i have a dreaded communicable disease that one should be cautious of. But that wasn’t the case.

It was a different feeling when i outed myself to my high school friends. I usually categorize my friends in 2 types: “high school friends” and “college friends”. The latter knew it first since me and my ex-bf were in the same class and like what i said before, we got accepted easily (even by our professors). It was a wee bit different to my high school friends. though no one voiced out disappointments, i can sense a feeling of “panghihinayang” . some also got offended when they knew that i outed myself first to my college friends, as if there’s a hierarchy that i must follow or protocols as to who should i tell it first. A sensitive guy (gay) that i am, i easily got offended and slowly distanced myself away from them. Personally, I expected a lot from them. I thought they would be the supportive one and would encourage me to be true to myself since they knew me even before high school. We were classmates for almost a decade. Yet, they were the one that made think twice about what i did.

As for my family, i remain to be in the closet up to present. Honestly, it’s not their feeling of anger that i’m afraid of because i understand where they are coming from since I am the only son out of 4 kids. It’s their feeling of disappointment, much like what happened when i told my HS friends. what if they didn’t accept me for who i am, Who will i turn to now? There should be, forgive me if i am not aware, a support group for this. I know i’m not the only one carrying this burden. There are even PLUs who are even on a worse situation than i am.

I’m not thinking of outing to my family anytime soon. but i have a gut feeling that they know it already, they just don’t want to confirm it. It’s like a giant pink elephant in our house that no one pays attention to. For now, i’ll leave the giant pink elephant be, hoping that no one would notice.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

sa sbarro


habang kumakain sa sbarro.

"pano kung natuloy yung sa canada and hindi na ko umuwi?"

"aba jamir, 'wag mo sabihin makikipag-break ka sakin ah", sagot niya.

"gaga ka lang, right?" sabay kuha ko ng pizza sa plato niya.

...oh sweet moments.. ^_^

on career choice


I had a chance to chat with a very good friend of mine, thanks to multiply. She posted a blog regarding career – the how to’s and not to’s. Just like her, i am also just starting to climb the corporate ladder. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: “and i thought only a few people experience the dilemma of choosing the right career path. maybe it's like an initiation for us, newbies, before we become successful. like the old saying goes, "marami pa tayong kakaining bigas"..fine, i lurve to eat anyway! hahaha. hang in there wickedenchantress. ^_^”

Wickedenchantress: “We have a lot of choices. We can even choose not to choose at all.
At the end of the day, we just need to make the right choice among all these choices.
How are you career-wise?”


Me: “as of the moment, this is my choice. i do have plans and goals but unfortunately, what i am doing right now (career-wise) is not getting me any nearer to it.” reality check: although we learned from school that "money isn't everything", in real life, we base our decisions partly because of it. it may not be everything, but it is something.


Wickedenchantress : “Maluho ka siguro. Heehee. I have discussed this with my mentor and he said that while money will be a problem at first, when we chase the dream, and stick to it, money will flow eventually. The way I see you from here is this. You are afraid to take the first step all these years. Why not try to check your track again and you might see things differently. Though you have changed, I can still see that yearning you have for the things you wish to do.

:) It takes a blind leap. Think of it.”


PS; Since I'm not a member of the buena familia, I have cried at 8 am while talking to my mentor on his mobile regarding the fat paycheck with a STABLE sign on the company and a childhood dream. I have also spent two weeks crying in all places whenever I have the chance --yes even in the shuttle on the way home (of course when the lights inside are turned off).



Me: “hahahaha. hindi naman masyado. but you made me think twice there. admittedly, i'm not a risk-taker. i feel that i'm not up for it (the challenge). sabi nga sa personality test that i did online, i'm a "dreamy idealist" daw. so dream lang ng dream but nothing good comes out of it. i'll take that blind leap. but not right now. magpapakaluho muna ko. Hahaha hay bene, we have to have that coffee date.”


Wickedenchantress : “I beg to disagree though that you are not a risk-taker. Your coming out has been a great, great risk. I think you just need a good shove to get that ball rolling. Super Hug!”


Me: “my coming out isn't that great of a risk since i already figured out who/what i am. but when it comes to career, i'm still at lost. funny thing, i thought being out means being free to do whatever i want; but when it comes to choosing what i would really want to do in life, i'm still in the closet. kakalurkey. i really need that good kick in the ass moment. anyway, have to go back to work. you take care bene.” *hugs*


It’s true. Career wise, i’m still at lost as to where will i go. Considering the course that i took (BS Nursing), it’s very unlikeable that I could easily find a job here. Thus, i settled working in a call center (much like some of the nurses i know). I realize working in this field would not get me anywhere in reference to my course, but at least i get to enjoy the financial compensation it gives. This is my choice. I opted to choose a career that would suffice my basic needs. Just like what is stated on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, “basic things come first”. Maybe eventually, i’ll find the passion for it. Or maybe, with a sudden twist of fate, i would get a scholarship grant from one of the prestigious universities to take medicine and eventually become a successful doctor. Hah! The dreamy idealist me is acting up again.