"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Thursday, May 7, 2009

out


There was no official date as to when I outed myself. I remember it was back in college, where i had my first “real” relationship (i had a previous partner back in high school. He was 23 while I was 15 and we lasted only for 3 months and met only thrice). It wasn’t exactly the way I planned it (well, i really wasn’t planning to out myself that time). A classmate of mine accidentally saw a doodle that I did at the back of my ex-bf’s notebook and that was it. No questions were asked and no one seemed to have frowned upon what they had discovered as if it’s a normal thing. I was actually surprised by how easy my friends have accepted the fact that one of their classmates (or should i say 2 rather) is gay. It wasn’t what i had in mind. The paranoid me always thought that once i outed myself, all of my friends will slowly drift apart as if i have a dreaded communicable disease that one should be cautious of. But that wasn’t the case.

It was a different feeling when i outed myself to my high school friends. I usually categorize my friends in 2 types: “high school friends” and “college friends”. The latter knew it first since me and my ex-bf were in the same class and like what i said before, we got accepted easily (even by our professors). It was a wee bit different to my high school friends. though no one voiced out disappointments, i can sense a feeling of “panghihinayang” . some also got offended when they knew that i outed myself first to my college friends, as if there’s a hierarchy that i must follow or protocols as to who should i tell it first. A sensitive guy (gay) that i am, i easily got offended and slowly distanced myself away from them. Personally, I expected a lot from them. I thought they would be the supportive one and would encourage me to be true to myself since they knew me even before high school. We were classmates for almost a decade. Yet, they were the one that made think twice about what i did.

As for my family, i remain to be in the closet up to present. Honestly, it’s not their feeling of anger that i’m afraid of because i understand where they are coming from since I am the only son out of 4 kids. It’s their feeling of disappointment, much like what happened when i told my HS friends. what if they didn’t accept me for who i am, Who will i turn to now? There should be, forgive me if i am not aware, a support group for this. I know i’m not the only one carrying this burden. There are even PLUs who are even on a worse situation than i am.

I’m not thinking of outing to my family anytime soon. but i have a gut feeling that they know it already, they just don’t want to confirm it. It’s like a giant pink elephant in our house that no one pays attention to. For now, i’ll leave the giant pink elephant be, hoping that no one would notice.

8 comments:

ash said...

there are some things that we already see but prefer to remain hidden.

:)

Bart Tolina said...

Punta kayo sa blog ko at may libreng pagkain!
barttolina.blogspot.com
salamat!

Allan said...

hi, padaan lang ah, came across your blog kasi. Allan here btw..

just a bit of sharing na rin, last year was the time that i shared my condition with my family. words ko pa nga sa kanila e "i may be bisexual". i dunno the entire effect it has on them. but i feel that the love hasn't diminished.

my reason for telling it to them is that i feel like i can do something with my condition (helping others with the same struggle siguro), and i wanted them to know para hindi naman sila magulat. it was hard, iyak nga ako nang iyak while telling it to them.

though this is not an encouragement to come out sa bahay nyo ah. it will be your decision to do so, as well as the timing if ever.

sori, haba ng comment ko. in any case, welcome (again) sa blogging sa bago mong blog :)

Jamir said...

for ash: 'coz hiding it helps not to complicate things (i'm sure you understand where i'm coming from. ^_^)

for allan: thanks for your comment. i've heard "coming out" stories na din from friends..meron nga, binasahan pa siya ng bible. but eventually, emotions mellowed down and they accepted him na din. like what i said, it's the fear of disappointment that i'm afraid of.

congrats nga pala for coming out..lucky you.

andeng said...

jamir!! i thought it was chismis lang nung college di pa nga ko makapaniwala.. syempre galing kay kate yung balita hehehe...

pero i'm so happy you're out na.. nothing's change naman... you're still the dennis that i know.. though we're not that super close na.. hihi...

with your family.. give it time.. malay mo di na naman nila kelangan ng words mo.. malay mo they know na.. hehehe

goodluck if ever you're ready to reveal it to your family.. walang masama sa pagpapaka totoo..

most of the time you're loved because you're true.. =)

mwuah..

:: cb :: said...

one of the greatest lessons i learned from american beauty can be summed up in this quote.

"Never underestimate the power of denial."

we reveal our true selves to people for different reasons. iba lang pag pamilya na pinag-uusapan expecially because we are a people who value the ties between family members very much. i'm sure my folks know of my quirks. i just don't need to tell them. M.U. kami. haha

Jamir said...

for andeng and cb: thanks for dropping by. i really appreciate it. CB, we PLUs should stick together! haha

issa said...

hey you... haha. naalala mo nung nalasing ako and all... good times.. pero may nasabi ako that i love you no matter what. it is true. and will always be... sorry kung naging mas naging awkward ang coming out mo samen. basta it is all in the past now... miss n kita. sobra. weeeee wala lang. haha. hindi ako magaleng sa gnito.. siguro most our friends din.. jinojoke na lang para hindi awkward.. gnun tlga. haha :P walang sense. libre mo n lng ako ng venti n coffee jelly.. unemployed ako eh :P