burned out

Minsan napapagod na din ako mag-isip. Nagpapatong patong na yung mga gawain para sa school to the point na nawawalan na ko ng oras para sa ibang bagay particularly sa mga kaibigan at pati na din sa pamilya ko. These past few weeks, ang nagiging weekend na lang talaga ay ang Friday night. Pero dahil physiology ang subject ko every Friday, at kadalasan ay puyat ako ng araw nay an, i just choose to go straight home and sleep or if permitted, hibernate.

alam ko ginusto ko ang kurso ng medisina pero minsan pumapasok sa isip ko ang tanong “am i really up for it? For the challenge?”. May ilang beses na din naman kasi ako napapahiya sa klase dahil hindi ko nasasagot yung mga tanong ng professors ko at kadalasan dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa. Defense mechanism ko ang pagtawa kumbaga. Pakiramdam ko nga, no one among my classmates take me seriously anymore. Pakiramdam ko i’m the class clown. At bilang isang clown, natural lang na maging masayahin sa panglabas pero pag sa tototoong nararamdaman, ibang usapan na yan.

Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ko sa daan na pinili kong tahakin. Naninibago pa din sa bagong environment na kung asan ako ngayon. Naaalala ko dati nung college, i was always at the top of my class. Heck, i even graduated with honors, pero ngayon i really feel down. Grabe pala ang competitiveness sa medisina. Kumbaga sa mga magnanakaw, kapit sa patalim ang labanan. Nakaka-suffocate, nakakabaliw at nakakalungkot.

Kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Pwede ba mabili yun? Kahit tatlo isandaan bibilhin ko. Pasama na din ng faith, hope and courage. Sana may online site na pwede ma-purchase ‘tong mga ‘to just to get through my everyday med life. Nalulungkot na ko eh, naubos na yung paghahanap ko ng silver lining sa bawat not-so-good scenarios i’ve been through.

On another note, i just found out that this guy i like for so long is already in a relationship. I texted him about it and asked if it was true (since i only knew about it through FB) and he replied “yes”. And all that i can mutter to reply back is this, “i’m happy for you mr barista. See you around.”

Oh the irony of love – it hurts that you just don’t want to deal with it anymore no matter how sweet the feeling of love is.

closing doors

Earlier this week, a classmate of mine asked me about my love life. I told her i was single (and that i didn’t care). Another classmate of mine interfered and said there’s nothing wrong being single. Of course i agreed.

i have trudged the road of love and honestly, it was not any easier as trying to peel an onion without crying. Needless to say, it was a rough road for me. And that experience, i don’t want to ever experience again. I guess i could say, i am closing my door for love at this time. I know falling in love has its perks, but i don’t want to risk too much first, of my time and second, of my effort to it again. It’s just not worth it.

So love, i’ll just bump you on my least of my priorities right now until who knows when. hope you don’t astray too long.

studying 101

1st shifting. i was scared as hell. i remember back in college when prelims/midterms/finals are mere reviews of what have i learned - a backtrack on the things that somehow caught my attention during lectures. but this was different. Here i experienced to pull an all nighter not just on one night but for the entire week. so much so that my circadian rhythm got disrupted yet again. i am now officially back to being nocturnal.

i have one word to describe shifting exams week: hell. though i haven't experienced the real thing (thankfully), i believe this is the most hell-ish experience ever. here are a few things i learned from this shifting:

1. books matter. scribbled notes help but without books, for sure you're a goner.

2. reading it just one time doesn't help. twice doesn't seem to help either (as per neuroanatomy experience). thrice would be mediocre.

3. as per one of my professors said, "consolidate". information doesn't come only from one source. every now and then, a cross reference book or two would really come in handy. especially if a certain professor asks the normal values of every pressure in the human body.

4. obvious information are out of the question. all words that are highlighted, italicized, bold, etc would not be asked directly. test questions have a way with words that necessitates to think out of the box and to use critical thinking.

5. time is not just gold, it's a diamond. a "5 minute break turned 1 hour" is definitely a no-no.

6. focus, focus, focus! distractions are always present - blogging, fb-ing, ym-ing. basically anything involving social interaction is considered a distraction. living like a hermit crab is the key.

7. aside from focus(repeat infinitely), another thing i've learned is that location matters. studying in a cozy bed with the tv / radio on is a suicide mission especially if it's already 1 am in the morning and the exam is just a few hours away. might as well give in and just sleep.

8. highlighters, ball pens of different colors, post-its, and pencils have replaced my BFFs. they're my new BFFs. survival rate from med school without this is next to zero.

9. a little tip or hearsays here and there helps a little. widening social network increases success rate in med school.

10. lastly, 5 hours of sleep is a blessing. more than that is a vice similar to smoking, suicide.

there, just a few tips that i have learned based on my 1st shifting experience. and to think that i'm only on the tip of the iceberg. it's going to be a very, very, very long way before i get to the core of medicine. the silver lining: i got through with it. only the results will tell how much more effort should i put in.

oh how i love medicine.