"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Saturday, October 24, 2009

bitterness, AGAIN.

Yesterday i spent my whole day at Calgary. I joined a friend of mine who had an interview with this care home facility a few miles from downtown. The interview went great and my friend was asked when she can start. Here’s the dilemma. My friend and I went here in Canada to look for work. We hoped to get the same job on the same company and same location. But based on my experiences, it is very unlikely to get the things you hope for. So i kind of had this feeling that we will eventually have to separate. She is still undecided whether to accept the job or not because for one thing, being a live-in caregiver in a care home may drive you insane especially if you’re alone.

After the quick interview, we went to this mall to wait for another good friend of ours. We were there around 2pm (for the sake of preventing redundancy, let’s call our other friend B) and B met us around 6 already. He’s with a date though he insisted that it wasn’t a date, from the looks of it, it’s really was. I forgot to mention that B is gay. B’s date, let’s call him C, drove us around downtown and took us in this uphill view where you could see the whole city. It was really beautiful and breath-taking (literally, we had to climb around 100 steps just to get on top). I saw C making moves for B but B isn’t just that into C. Don’t get me wrong, i think is kind of cute but he doesn’t have that appeal. As C drove us home, he consistently made an effort for B to like him – opening his side of the car’s door, trying to find out what he likes and doesn’t and even asked B for a weekend getaway. B gave an ambivalent reaction and i can sense a feeling of irritation on his side.

Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning striking a tree and splitting it in two, i sense a feeling of jealousy. Jealousy on how B was being treated by C even though C knows he doesn’t have a chance. I suddenly wished i was B. Bitterness surrounded my whole being. I suddenly missed having an “us”. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that i suddenly missed having someone who i can be sweet with and be smitten to. that someone whom i can talk with in the wee hours of the morning to the point of falling asleep with my phone beside me. Someone to share my laughter or my anger. Someone who will stand by my side. I suddenly missed having a partner/bf. The thing is, it’s not in my character to fling around or as others would say, to play around the field. Believe it or not, i can be very loyal to the one i love as long as he doesn’t betray my trust. A strong characteristic of a true taurean based on my observation. I always seek for those long term relationship that seems to be very difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, i will still wait. But for the time being, i would just have to control my bitterness each time i see a happy couple. Darn it.

1 comment:

ash said...

welcome back Jamir!