Earlier this week, a classmate of mine asked me about my love life. I told her i was single (and that i didn’t care). Another classmate of mine interfered and said there’s nothing wrong being single. Of course i agreed.
i have trudged the road of love and honestly, it was not any easier as trying to peel an onion without crying. Needless to say, it was a rough road for me. And that experience, i don’t want to ever experience again. I guess i could say, i am closing my door for love at this time. I know falling in love has its perks, but i don’t want to risk too much first, of my time and second, of my effort to it again. It’s just not worth it.
So love, i’ll just bump you on my least of my priorities right now until who knows when. hope you don’t astray too long.
Yesterday i spent my whole day at Calgary. I joined a friend of mine who had an interview with this care home facility a few miles from downtown. The interview went great and my friend was asked when she can start. Here’s the dilemma. My friend and I went here in Canada to look for work. We hoped to get the same job on the same company and same location. But based on my experiences, it is very unlikely to get the things you hope for. So i kind of had this feeling that we will eventually have to separate. She is still undecided whether to accept the job or not because for one thing, being a live-in caregiver in a care home may drive you insane especially if you’re alone.
After the quick interview, we went to this mall to wait for another good friend of ours. We were there around 2pm (for the sake of preventing redundancy, let’s call our other friend B) and B met us around 6 already. He’s with a date though he insisted that it wasn’t a date, from the looks of it, it’s really was. I forgot to mention that B is gay. B’s date, let’s call him C, drove us around downtown and took us in this uphill view where you could see the whole city. It was really beautiful and breath-taking (literally, we had to climb around 100 steps just to get on top). I saw C making moves for B but B isn’t just that into C. Don’t get me wrong, i think is kind of cute but he doesn’t have that appeal. As C drove us home, he consistently made an effort for B to like him – opening his side of the car’s door, trying to find out what he likes and doesn’t and even asked B for a weekend getaway. B gave an ambivalent reaction and i can sense a feeling of irritation on his side.
Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning striking a tree and splitting it in two, i sense a feeling of jealousy. Jealousy on how B was being treated by C even though C knows he doesn’t have a chance. I suddenly wished i was B. Bitterness surrounded my whole being. I suddenly missed having an “us”. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that i suddenly missed having someone who i can be sweet with and be smitten to. that someone whom i can talk with in the wee hours of the morning to the point of falling asleep with my phone beside me. Someone to share my laughter or my anger. Someone who will stand by my side. I suddenly missed having a partner/bf. The thing is, it’s not in my character to fling around or as others would say, to play around the field. Believe it or not, i can be very loyal to the one i love as long as he doesn’t betray my trust. A strong characteristic of a true taurean based on my observation. I always seek for those long term relationship that seems to be very difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, i will still wait. But for the time being, i would just have to control my bitterness each time i see a happy couple. Darn it.
it has been a few months since i've posted something new in this blog. i know i have no followers here (or maybe just one) but nevertheless, i still want to continue blogging.
for the past 5 months that i have been inexistent in the blog world, a lot of things happened. 2 months ago, i applied for a canadian visa and had it approved a month after. about a month ago, i just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months who i thought was the love of my life. and just recently (2 weeks ago), i resigned from my job where i stayed for 7 months and decided to take a chance here in canada. you heard it right, i'm now in canada; in alberta to be specific and just a few miles away from calgary.
you might have thought that i have been living the dream here, but you're wrong. currently, i'm a bum with no backup plan besides going back to manila. but i'm not considering going back to manila anytime soon. i have a feeling that there's something good here in canada. that i could start a new future here. (cue in music: i've got a feeling by black eyed peas).
anyhoo, my blog entry wouldn't be complete if it doesn't have the trademark emo post. partly my reason of leaving for canada is because of my break up with my ex. for those of you who have read my previous blogs from my old blog site, he's the same guy i've been blabbering about ever since. and yeah, we made it official for us to be together 7 months ago. sadly, it only lasted for 7 freaking months. it ended up as how we always end things up, hanging. i texted him that i'm breaking up with him (insert reason why) and i got no reply from him. up to date, i haven't heard / read a single message from him. it sucks big time.
i tried to react differently after our break up. only a few of my friends knew about what happened. i think some of my friends still think that we are together up to now. this time, i did not make a scence anymore. as what they always say, "it is what it is". i don't have to color it up. it didn't work out and we broke up. plain and simple.
of course, there are times when i am forced to stop whatever i'm doing because i have suddenly thought of him. he's my persistent ghost of the past who wants to be remembered. but as days go by, i'm starting to learn how to be myself again - without him. little by little, i'm picking up the pieces that was left of me. and i just smile. because like what my friend once told me, "if no one else will love you for who you are, then you better start loving yourself."
4th year college.nagsimulang maging busy ang kanya-kanya natin schedule.nagkataon na ako ang vice president at ikaw naman ang president ng ating section kaya madalas kapag may mga classroom activites, eh nagtutulungan tayong dalawa.isang araw bigla tayong sinabihan ng official school photographer na lumagpas na ang section natin sa schedule ng pagkuha ng grad pic ng buong klase at dahil ikaw ang presidente, ikaw ang nag-asikaso kung pano magagawan ng paraan ito at dahil nga isa kang magaling na presidente, nagawa mong isingit ang section natin ng araw na yun.isa sa ikinamamangha ko sa'yo, ma-abilidad ka sa mga ganyang bagay; isang katangian na wala sa akin.
habang unti-unting nawawala ang mga kaklase natin sa classroom, ako naman ay lumabas na din.sa aking paglabas, nakita ko ang boyfriend ko na nag-aabang sa akin sa corridor.dahil sa hindi ko na din siya madalas nakikita sapagkat nahiwalay tayo sa section nila pagtapak ng 4th year, eh nilapitan ko siya at naghagkan kami sa corridor.wala naman problema sa mga taong nasa paligid sapagkat lantad naman ang relasyon naming dalawa sa escuela.ikaw ang huling lumabas sa kwarto, tinitingnan kung may mga kaklase pa tayong natira.paglabas mo ng pinto, nagkatinginan tayo.nawala ang ngiti na naka-ukit sa iyong mukha.napalitan ng simangot na madalas ko makita kapag alam kong galit ka o kaya naman ay mainit ang ulo mo.habang pinagmamasdan ko ang sinasabi ng mukha mo, nakarinig na lang ako ng sigaw na mula sa'yo,
"ano ba jamir! di ba sabi ko bumaba na?? ano pa ginagawa mo diyan??"
pinagmasdan ko ang titig mo na biglang lumihis ng tingin para tingnan ang kasama ko.nagulat ako sa nangyari.nabastusan ako.sa dinami-dami ng mga kaklase ko na nakatambay sa corridor, ako lang ang sinigawan mo.sigaw na narinig ng lahat at napatigil sa kanya-kanya nilang ginagawa. nakaramdam ako ng galit.wala kang karapatan na pahiyain ako sa harap ng mga kaklase at kaibigan natin."out of line" ang ginawa mo.sa aking galit, hindi ko na inisip ang bumaba pa.wala na akong pakialam kung magkakaron pa ko ng larawan para sa aking graduation.basta ang gusto ko lang ay umalis na sa escuela para hindi ko na masilayan muli ang galit sa mukha mo.pero dahil ako ang bise presidente ng klase, alam ko may obligasyon din ako na tulungan ka para sa kapakanan ng buong klase.wala din ako nagawa kundi ang sumunod sa lugar kung saan nandun ang school photographer.
sa aking pagdating, kitang-kita ko pa din sa mukha mo ang inis; lalo na ng nalaman mo na wala na akong balak magpakuha pa ng grad pic.inaamin ko, kaartehan ang inasal ko ng panahong yun pero ginawa ko yun bilang pagprotesta sa ginawa mong pagpapahiya sa akin.
unti-unting umusod ang pila ng ating mga kaklase habang unti-unting natatapos ang pagkuha ng larawan, maliban sa akin.habang naghihintay ako sa labas ng mga pasaway natin kaklase na hindi pa nakukuhanan, nasaktuhan na dumating ang isa sating kaibigan na nais kang makausap.ngunit dahil sa marami kang ginagawa, sa akin na lang niya ipinagbilin ang importanteng mensahe para sa'yo.at dahil sa wala na din naman ako magagawa, at hindi ko naman pwede sabihin na magka-away tayo, hinayaan ko na lang na ibigay niya sakin ang mensahe.
2nd to the last batch na ng ikaw ay lumabas mula sa studio.lima na lang ang natitira sa labas kasama ako.'pag labas mo, medyo nahimasmasan na ang galit sa mukha mo. siguro dahil na din sa stress na dinulot ng photo shoot incident.nagdadalawang isip akong lapitan ka dahil na din sa takot na sigawan mo uli ako o di kaya'y hindi pansinin pero naglakas loob na din akong lumapit.nakatayo ka sa labas ng studio, tumabi ako sa gilid mo. bumulong ako sa kaliwang tenga mo,
"sorry..."
at dahan-dahan mong ninahan ang ulo mo sa balikat ko sabay tingin sa'kin at ngumiti.sa isang iglap, nawala lahat ang takot, kaba at galit ko sa'yo. napalitan ng saya at masarap na pakiramdam.parang gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. nakita ko ang mga mata mo na wala ng halong galit at tampo.tanging pagod na lang dahil na din sa stress na dinulot sa'yo ng photo shoot. sa mga panahong yun, gusto kita akapin; ngunit dinaan ko na lamang sa pag-akbay sa balikat mo sabay pag-nahan din sa ulo mong nakasandal pa din sa balikat ko.ikaw ang unang nagsalita,
"pumila ka na.sayang naman kung wala kang grad pic."
at parang utos ng amo sa kanyang aso, sumunod naman ako ng walang pag-aatubili.maghahapon na din yun, at alam ko ay may lakad ka pa nun.pero kahit ma-late ka sa lakad mo, hinintay mo akong matapos at makapagpakuha ng litrato.tinulungan mo pa kong mag-ayos ng buhok ko para naman magmukha akong graduating student talaga. natapos ang araw ng magkasabay tayo naglalakad patungong gate.at doon kinita ko ang boyfriend ko habang ikaw naman ay pumara na ng bus para makahabol sa lakad mo.
kinagabihan, nakareceive ako ng text message mula sa'yo.isang patanong na mensahe:
"bakit mo ginawa yon?"
"ang alin?" reply ko.
"yung mag-sorry..." mabilis niyang pag-reply.
"ah..eh kasalan ko din naman kasi hindi agad ako bumaba para tulungan ka."
hindi na siya nagtext. hindi ako makatiis at tinext ko siya,
There was no official date as to when I outed myself. I remember it was back in college, where i had my first “real” relationship (i had a previous partner back in high school. He was 23 while I was 15 and we lasted only for 3 months and met only thrice). It wasn’t exactly the way I planned it (well, i really wasn’t planning to out myself that time). A classmate of mine accidentally saw a doodle that I did at the back of my ex-bf’s notebook and that was it. No questions were asked and no one seemed to have frowned upon what they had discovered as if it’s a normal thing. I was actually surprised by how easy my friends have accepted the fact that one of their classmates (or should i say 2 rather) is gay. It wasn’t what i had in mind. The paranoid me always thought that once i outed myself, all of my friends will slowly drift apart as if i have a dreaded communicable disease that one should be cautious of. But that wasn’t the case.
It was a different feeling when i outed myself to my high school friends. I usually categorize my friends in 2 types: “high school friends” and “college friends”. The latter knew it first since me and my ex-bf were in the same class and like what i said before, we got accepted easily (even by our professors). It was a wee bit different to my high school friends. though no one voiced out disappointments, i can sense a feeling of “panghihinayang” . some also got offended when they knew that i outed myself first to my college friends, as if there’s a hierarchy that i must follow or protocols as to who should i tell it first. A sensitive guy (gay) that i am, i easily got offended and slowly distanced myself away from them. Personally, I expected a lot from them. I thought they would be the supportive one and would encourage me to be true to myself since they knew me even before high school. We were classmates for almost a decade. Yet, they were the one that made think twice about what i did.
As for my family, i remain to be in the closet up to present. Honestly, it’s not their feeling of anger that i’m afraid of because i understand where they are coming from since I am the only son out of 4 kids. It’s their feeling of disappointment, much like what happened when i told my HS friends. what if they didn’t accept me for who i am, Who will i turn to now? There should be, forgive me if i am not aware, a support group for this. I know i’m not the only one carrying this burden. There are even PLUs who are even on a worse situation than i am.
I’m not thinking of outing to my family anytime soon. but i have a gut feeling that they know it already, they just don’t want to confirm it. It’s like a giant pink elephant in our house that no one pays attention to. For now, i’ll leave the giant pink elephant be, hoping that no one would notice.
JAMIR...is never the good conversationalist. he prefers "alone time" rather than partying. he prefers to listen rather than talk. he tries so much to be open-minded as to what society dictates, which for him is inappropriate, but always fails. he is the insensitive guy riding on a bus who'd sit rather than offer it to a lady. he believes that "no man is an island" but is trying his very best to defy the statement. he loves emotional outburst. he loves to hear love stories; a hopeless romantic and a die-hard fan of cheesy, romantic-comedy filipino movies. he has the contradicting personality worse than a bi-polar person. but one thing is definite: his love for writing will never cease.
