on love

Kanina may nagtanong sakin, “are you still practicing?”. I got confused at first. Until I realized she was talking about my sexuality. Meron daw kasi siyang kilala, a priest, who didn’t realize he was gay until he saw a picture/art that made him realize he was (i find it weird that a picture can reveal your true sexuality, but heck, to each his own right?). sabi ko naman, “oo naman. It’s just that hindi ko talaga priority ang commitment ngayon. Sa dami ba naman ng ginagawa natin [sa medicine], hahanap pa ba ko ng commitment?”. Napangiti lang siya. And i added, “nabibilib nga ko sa mga classmates natin na committed ngayon. Hindi ko alam how can they juggle their time eh sa school pa lang tali na.”

One thing i have observed myself develop, as i mature, is to be self-centered. I tend to prioritize myself first amongst others. It really sounds selfish and a bit bitchy but i think i have a valid reason why. Hindi naman na kasi ako inosente pagdating sa relasyon. I had my share of commitments that ended up dwindling in the end. The sad part is, i put much effort on the relationship, as in bonggang bonggang effort and mega ligaw and suyo, pero it still led to break ups. Siguro the reason why i’m like this, selfish and self-centered, eh kasi ayaw ko na i-risk ulit yung sarili ko on the so-called “love game”. Ang hirap kayang masaktan. Daig pa ata ng lumbar puncture ang ma-brokenhearted eh.

Hindi kagaya ng ganto, wala ko iintindihin kundi sarili ko lang. No hang-ups. No commitments. No whatsoever. I can mingle with anyone i want with no strings attached.

Nakakatawa lang kasi naalala ko dati, nung panahong emo pa ko, ang lagi advice sakin ng mga kaibigan ko eh, “mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ko magmahal ng iba.” At dati hirap na hirap akong gawin yun. Kahanay nga ako ng GOMBURZA pagdating sa martyrdom eh. Kung may baklang santo, i think i would qualify. Pero now i realize, that slowly i’ve learned how to do it. I learned to love myself first. Kasi nga dba, (i remember i posted it here before), sino pang magmamahal sa sarili mo kung di ikaw lang din?.

This post is dedicated to a classmate/friend of mine. Learn how to love yourself first. Learn that rejections are part of the quest for love. As what another good friend of mine said, “move forward”. You don’t have to let go that easily, but you have to explore and widen your perspective on love. Don’t be blindsided by what you’re feeling. Don’t hinder yourself from experiencing love from different people, be it platonic or not. Close your doors if you will, but not permanently. In time you’ll be ready. And when the right one comes, you’ll know it.

*after being on hiatus, i would like to thank tine for inspiring me to blog again. It feels good to be back. :)

burned out

Minsan napapagod na din ako mag-isip. Nagpapatong patong na yung mga gawain para sa school to the point na nawawalan na ko ng oras para sa ibang bagay particularly sa mga kaibigan at pati na din sa pamilya ko. These past few weeks, ang nagiging weekend na lang talaga ay ang Friday night. Pero dahil physiology ang subject ko every Friday, at kadalasan ay puyat ako ng araw nay an, i just choose to go straight home and sleep or if permitted, hibernate.

alam ko ginusto ko ang kurso ng medisina pero minsan pumapasok sa isip ko ang tanong “am i really up for it? For the challenge?”. May ilang beses na din naman kasi ako napapahiya sa klase dahil hindi ko nasasagot yung mga tanong ng professors ko at kadalasan dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa. Defense mechanism ko ang pagtawa kumbaga. Pakiramdam ko nga, no one among my classmates take me seriously anymore. Pakiramdam ko i’m the class clown. At bilang isang clown, natural lang na maging masayahin sa panglabas pero pag sa tototoong nararamdaman, ibang usapan na yan.

Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ko sa daan na pinili kong tahakin. Naninibago pa din sa bagong environment na kung asan ako ngayon. Naaalala ko dati nung college, i was always at the top of my class. Heck, i even graduated with honors, pero ngayon i really feel down. Grabe pala ang competitiveness sa medisina. Kumbaga sa mga magnanakaw, kapit sa patalim ang labanan. Nakaka-suffocate, nakakabaliw at nakakalungkot.

Kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Pwede ba mabili yun? Kahit tatlo isandaan bibilhin ko. Pasama na din ng faith, hope and courage. Sana may online site na pwede ma-purchase ‘tong mga ‘to just to get through my everyday med life. Nalulungkot na ko eh, naubos na yung paghahanap ko ng silver lining sa bawat not-so-good scenarios i’ve been through.

On another note, i just found out that this guy i like for so long is already in a relationship. I texted him about it and asked if it was true (since i only knew about it through FB) and he replied “yes”. And all that i can mutter to reply back is this, “i’m happy for you mr barista. See you around.”

Oh the irony of love – it hurts that you just don’t want to deal with it anymore no matter how sweet the feeling of love is.

closing doors

Earlier this week, a classmate of mine asked me about my love life. I told her i was single (and that i didn’t care). Another classmate of mine interfered and said there’s nothing wrong being single. Of course i agreed.

i have trudged the road of love and honestly, it was not any easier as trying to peel an onion without crying. Needless to say, it was a rough road for me. And that experience, i don’t want to ever experience again. I guess i could say, i am closing my door for love at this time. I know falling in love has its perks, but i don’t want to risk too much first, of my time and second, of my effort to it again. It’s just not worth it.

So love, i’ll just bump you on my least of my priorities right now until who knows when. hope you don’t astray too long.