how jamir has been for the past couple of months

it has been a few months since i've posted something new in this blog. i know i have no followers here (or maybe just one) but nevertheless, i still want to continue blogging.

for the past 5 months that i have been inexistent in the blog world, a lot of things happened. 2 months ago, i applied for a canadian visa and had it approved a month after. about a month ago, i just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months who i thought was the love of my life. and just recently (2 weeks ago), i resigned from my job where i stayed for 7 months and decided to take a chance here in canada. you heard it right, i'm now in canada; in alberta to be specific and just a few miles away from calgary.

you might have thought that i have been living the dream here, but you're wrong. currently, i'm a bum with no backup plan besides going back to manila. but i'm not considering going back to manila anytime soon. i have a feeling that there's something good here in canada. that i could start a new future here. (cue in music: i've got a feeling by black eyed peas).

anyhoo, my blog entry wouldn't be complete if it doesn't have the trademark emo post. partly my reason of leaving for canada is because of my break up with my ex. for those of you who have read my previous blogs from my old blog site, he's the same guy i've been blabbering about ever since. and yeah, we made it official for us to be together 7 months ago. sadly, it only lasted for 7 freaking months. it ended up as how we always end things up, hanging. i texted him that i'm breaking up with him (insert reason why) and i got no reply from him. up to date, i haven't heard / read a single message from him. it sucks big time.

i tried to react differently after our break up. only a few of my friends knew about what happened. i think some of my friends still think that we are together up to now. this time, i did not make a scence anymore. as what they always say, "it is what it is". i don't have to color it up. it didn't work out and we broke up. plain and simple.

of course, there are times when i am forced to stop whatever i'm doing because i have suddenly thought of him. he's my persistent ghost of the past who wants to be remembered. but as days go by, i'm starting to learn how to be myself again - without him. little by little, i'm picking up the pieces that was left of me. and i just smile. because like what my friend once told me, "if no one else will love you for who you are, then you better start loving yourself."

flip a coin

Last Sunday, I was driving along NLEX going home from Bulacan, a sudden thought popped into my mind: med school. For years (2 years to be accurate), I have been dwelling on whether or not I will pursue med school or not. I really want to, but of course I have to consider certain factors why I decided not to. First one is of financial concern. I’ve talked with my mom about pursuing med and she wilfully agreed to what I want. It’s but natural for parents to provide whatever they can to their children. But I feel that with today's economy, pursuing medicine is more of a luxury rather than a necessity. Another factor to consider is the length of taking up medicine. Oftentimes I’ve heard from almost everyone I know that "5 years" isn't that long and shall pass sooner than I think. But it still is 5 years. 5 years of studying and of being dependent again to my parents. 5 freaking years. And that's only the start of it. Hopefully, if I complete 5 years in med school, residency starts and so on and so forth. By the time I finish studying, I’ll probably be on my death bed already (ok, I may have exaggerated here, but who knows?). Another factor I’m considering is my life-long dream to migrate to another country; which is the reason why I took up nursing in the 1st place. Naturally, if I’m fortunate enough to be a licensed physician here, I’m going to practice here. Thus, ending my dream of living in another country.

I remember the conversation that me and bene had a few days ago; about choosing the career I really want. Maybe this is the "blind leap" she was talking about; the "kick in the ass" moment I need. Maybe I do have what it takes to be a successful MD. I’m still in a struggle whether to go for it or not. This decision will really turn my life in complete 180 degrees.

Last night, I had a good talk with a very good friend of mine, Toni. I told her my plans and though I noticed a little disappointment in her voice (because we made plans together of going to Canada), she still encouraged me into pursuing medicine. I continuously whined about what to do and how I can come up with a decision that I think is best, she just told me a simple solution, “Flip a coin”. A few moments later, after I ended my conversation with her, a text message came in that says,

“What will you do when faced with two choices?

Simply toss a coin...

It works not because it settles the question for you,

But because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air...

You suddenly know what you’re hoping for...”

on career choice

I had a chance to chat with a very good friend of mine, thanks to multiply. She posted a blog regarding career – the how to’s and not to’s. Just like her, i am also just starting to climb the corporate ladder. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: “and i thought only a few people experience the dilemma of choosing the right career path. maybe it's like an initiation for us, newbies, before we become successful. like the old saying goes, "marami pa tayong kakaining bigas"..fine, i lurve to eat anyway! hahaha. hang in there wickedenchantress. ^_^”

Wickedenchantress: “We have a lot of choices. We can even choose not to choose at all.
At the end of the day, we just need to make the right choice among all these choices.
How are you career-wise?”

Me: “as of the moment, this is my choice. i do have plans and goals but unfortunately, what i am doing right now (career-wise) is not getting me any nearer to it.” reality check: although we learned from school that "money isn't everything", in real life, we base our decisions partly because of it. it may not be everything, but it is something.

Wickedenchantress : “Maluho ka siguro. Heehee. I have discussed this with my mentor and he said that while money will be a problem at first, when we chase the dream, and stick to it, money will flow eventually. The way I see you from here is this. You are afraid to take the first step all these years. Why not try to check your track again and you might see things differently. Though you have changed, I can still see that yearning you have for the things you wish to do.

:) It takes a blind leap. Think of it.”

PS; Since I'm not a member of the buena familia, I have cried at 8 am while talking to my mentor on his mobile regarding the fat paycheck with a STABLE sign on the company and a childhood dream. I have also spent two weeks crying in all places whenever I have the chance --yes even in the shuttle on the way home (of course when the lights inside are turned off).

Me: “hahahaha. hindi naman masyado. but you made me think twice there. admittedly, i'm not a risk-taker. i feel that i'm not up for it (the challenge). sabi nga sa personality test that i did online, i'm a "dreamy idealist" daw. so dream lang ng dream but nothing good comes out of it. i'll take that blind leap. but not right now. magpapakaluho muna ko. Hahaha hay bene, we have to have that coffee date.”

Wickedenchantress : “I beg to disagree though that you are not a risk-taker. Your coming out has been a great, great risk. I think you just need a good shove to get that ball rolling. Super Hug!”

Me: “my coming out isn't that great of a risk since i already figured out who/what i am. but when it comes to career, i'm still at lost. funny thing, i thought being out means being free to do whatever i want; but when it comes to choosing what i would really want to do in life, i'm still in the closet. kakalurkey. i really need that good kick in the ass moment. anyway, have to go back to work. you take care bene.” *hugs*

It’s true. Career wise, i’m still at lost as to where will i go. Considering the course that i took (BS Nursing), it’s very unlikeable that I could easily find a job here. Thus, i settled working in a call center (much like some of the nurses i know). I realize working in this field would not get me anywhere in reference to my course, but at least i get to enjoy the financial compensation it gives. This is my choice. I opted to choose a career that would suffice my basic needs. Just like what is stated on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, “basic things come first”. Maybe eventually, i’ll find the passion for it. Or maybe, with a sudden twist of fate, i would get a scholarship grant from one of the prestigious universities to take medicine and eventually become a successful doctor. Hah! The dreamy idealist me is acting up again.