epic fail

“what factors causes increase acidity in the stomach?”

Isip muna ko kahit nasa harapan na ko. Siyempre hindi ko naman memorize ang buong libro para masagot agad yun instantaneously at last time i checked, wala din naman ako photographic memory. That few seconds reminded me again how much pressure i’ve put myself into by entering med school. Binabalikan na naman ako ng mga thoughts ko to back out on medicine. Natatakot kasi ako sa failure. Imagine, i know i prepared for it as in effort kung effort sa pagbasa sa kung anong dapat basahin, pero for what? Para sa 2 out of 10 na grade? Sleepless nights spent for a measly grade of 2. Ang saya diba? Nahiya pa yung prof ko at binigyan pa ko ng 2 eh.

Hindi talaga ko magaling pagdating sa mga oral revalida. Nung college naman ako eh hindi ako nakaranas ng ganito kasi wala naman kaming oral revalida in the first place. Pero hindi ko din naman masasabing bago pa lang sakin ang ganitong activity dahil simula first sem pa lang eh sinabak na kami. Pero of all the lab conferences that we had, i always manage to fail. Ang hirap kasi hindi ko naman talaga master yung buong libro, sana konting consideration man lang na pwede sumilip (kahit silip lang ) sa notes. But nooooooo, out of the 90+ slides that we prepared, we were only able to use 5 slides, mostly graphs lang. Oh dba kamusta naman sa effort dba, parang sana hindi na kami nag-effort gumawa ng ibang explanation.

Ganun ba talaga sa medisina? Expect the unexpected. Eh pano yan, i damn hate surprises. Hate them. Despise them. Kailangan daw quick thinker, eh hindi din naman ako ganun. Ano ba, pumasok ba ko sa institution na ipopoint out sakin kung ano ang wala sakin at kung pano ko ikababagsak ito? Ang saya saya naman.

Kung ang grade ko ay isang ecg reading, flat line na ko. Code blue na. Or baka hindi na kailangan mag-code blue. Time of death na ba agad?

‘wag naman sana.

on friendship

Less than 6 months ago, i get to meet them for the very first time. New school, new interactions, another form of socialization – and i thought i was done with it. It was quite awkward at first because believe it or not, I don’t socialize that well. It was only when I’m in my comfort zone when I get to show who I really am – my funny antics and very, very, VERY boisterous laughter. Then i met them. One by one, i get to be close to them. For some, they call me “kuya”, but for others, we get by through first name basis. It started with lunch – we all became lunch buddies and from there, through small talks and chitchats, our friendship developed. It’s funny how you realize that you already are a friend to them and so they are to you. Friendship works in a funny way for it’s never intentional. If it was a laboratory experiment, I would’ve shouted “eureka” by now. But of course, just like in every experiment, there’s always a trial and error phase. Though the development of friendship is unintentional, you still get the freedom to choose (in the long run) whether to befriend a person or not. Amazingly, I didn’t have to endure that phase. Describing it in a cliché statement, “we just clicked”.

These are my future colleagues. In 5 years time, we will be doctors. And what better way to start Medicine if not for friends who are there who bullies, rants and makes fun of you yet, at the end of the day, you understand that it’s all just for the heck of it.

on love

Kanina may nagtanong sakin, “are you still practicing?”. I got confused at first. Until I realized she was talking about my sexuality. Meron daw kasi siyang kilala, a priest, who didn’t realize he was gay until he saw a picture/art that made him realize he was (i find it weird that a picture can reveal your true sexuality, but heck, to each his own right?). sabi ko naman, “oo naman. It’s just that hindi ko talaga priority ang commitment ngayon. Sa dami ba naman ng ginagawa natin [sa medicine], hahanap pa ba ko ng commitment?”. Napangiti lang siya. And i added, “nabibilib nga ko sa mga classmates natin na committed ngayon. Hindi ko alam how can they juggle their time eh sa school pa lang tali na.”

One thing i have observed myself develop, as i mature, is to be self-centered. I tend to prioritize myself first amongst others. It really sounds selfish and a bit bitchy but i think i have a valid reason why. Hindi naman na kasi ako inosente pagdating sa relasyon. I had my share of commitments that ended up dwindling in the end. The sad part is, i put much effort on the relationship, as in bonggang bonggang effort and mega ligaw and suyo, pero it still led to break ups. Siguro the reason why i’m like this, selfish and self-centered, eh kasi ayaw ko na i-risk ulit yung sarili ko on the so-called “love game”. Ang hirap kayang masaktan. Daig pa ata ng lumbar puncture ang ma-brokenhearted eh.

Hindi kagaya ng ganto, wala ko iintindihin kundi sarili ko lang. No hang-ups. No commitments. No whatsoever. I can mingle with anyone i want with no strings attached.

Nakakatawa lang kasi naalala ko dati, nung panahong emo pa ko, ang lagi advice sakin ng mga kaibigan ko eh, “mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ko magmahal ng iba.” At dati hirap na hirap akong gawin yun. Kahanay nga ako ng GOMBURZA pagdating sa martyrdom eh. Kung may baklang santo, i think i would qualify. Pero now i realize, that slowly i’ve learned how to do it. I learned to love myself first. Kasi nga dba, (i remember i posted it here before), sino pang magmamahal sa sarili mo kung di ikaw lang din?.

This post is dedicated to a classmate/friend of mine. Learn how to love yourself first. Learn that rejections are part of the quest for love. As what another good friend of mine said, “move forward”. You don’t have to let go that easily, but you have to explore and widen your perspective on love. Don’t be blindsided by what you’re feeling. Don’t hinder yourself from experiencing love from different people, be it platonic or not. Close your doors if you will, but not permanently. In time you’ll be ready. And when the right one comes, you’ll know it.

*after being on hiatus, i would like to thank tine for inspiring me to blog again. It feels good to be back. :)

burned out

Minsan napapagod na din ako mag-isip. Nagpapatong patong na yung mga gawain para sa school to the point na nawawalan na ko ng oras para sa ibang bagay particularly sa mga kaibigan at pati na din sa pamilya ko. These past few weeks, ang nagiging weekend na lang talaga ay ang Friday night. Pero dahil physiology ang subject ko every Friday, at kadalasan ay puyat ako ng araw nay an, i just choose to go straight home and sleep or if permitted, hibernate.

alam ko ginusto ko ang kurso ng medisina pero minsan pumapasok sa isip ko ang tanong “am i really up for it? For the challenge?”. May ilang beses na din naman kasi ako napapahiya sa klase dahil hindi ko nasasagot yung mga tanong ng professors ko at kadalasan dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa. Defense mechanism ko ang pagtawa kumbaga. Pakiramdam ko nga, no one among my classmates take me seriously anymore. Pakiramdam ko i’m the class clown. At bilang isang clown, natural lang na maging masayahin sa panglabas pero pag sa tototoong nararamdaman, ibang usapan na yan.

Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ko sa daan na pinili kong tahakin. Naninibago pa din sa bagong environment na kung asan ako ngayon. Naaalala ko dati nung college, i was always at the top of my class. Heck, i even graduated with honors, pero ngayon i really feel down. Grabe pala ang competitiveness sa medisina. Kumbaga sa mga magnanakaw, kapit sa patalim ang labanan. Nakaka-suffocate, nakakabaliw at nakakalungkot.

Kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Pwede ba mabili yun? Kahit tatlo isandaan bibilhin ko. Pasama na din ng faith, hope and courage. Sana may online site na pwede ma-purchase ‘tong mga ‘to just to get through my everyday med life. Nalulungkot na ko eh, naubos na yung paghahanap ko ng silver lining sa bawat not-so-good scenarios i’ve been through.

On another note, i just found out that this guy i like for so long is already in a relationship. I texted him about it and asked if it was true (since i only knew about it through FB) and he replied “yes”. And all that i can mutter to reply back is this, “i’m happy for you mr barista. See you around.”

Oh the irony of love – it hurts that you just don’t want to deal with it anymore no matter how sweet the feeling of love is.

closing doors

Earlier this week, a classmate of mine asked me about my love life. I told her i was single (and that i didn’t care). Another classmate of mine interfered and said there’s nothing wrong being single. Of course i agreed.

i have trudged the road of love and honestly, it was not any easier as trying to peel an onion without crying. Needless to say, it was a rough road for me. And that experience, i don’t want to ever experience again. I guess i could say, i am closing my door for love at this time. I know falling in love has its perks, but i don’t want to risk too much first, of my time and second, of my effort to it again. It’s just not worth it.

So love, i’ll just bump you on my least of my priorities right now until who knows when. hope you don’t astray too long.

studying 101

1st shifting. i was scared as hell. i remember back in college when prelims/midterms/finals are mere reviews of what have i learned - a backtrack on the things that somehow caught my attention during lectures. but this was different. Here i experienced to pull an all nighter not just on one night but for the entire week. so much so that my circadian rhythm got disrupted yet again. i am now officially back to being nocturnal.

i have one word to describe shifting exams week: hell. though i haven't experienced the real thing (thankfully), i believe this is the most hell-ish experience ever. here are a few things i learned from this shifting:

1. books matter. scribbled notes help but without books, for sure you're a goner.

2. reading it just one time doesn't help. twice doesn't seem to help either (as per neuroanatomy experience). thrice would be mediocre.

3. as per one of my professors said, "consolidate". information doesn't come only from one source. every now and then, a cross reference book or two would really come in handy. especially if a certain professor asks the normal values of every pressure in the human body.

4. obvious information are out of the question. all words that are highlighted, italicized, bold, etc would not be asked directly. test questions have a way with words that necessitates to think out of the box and to use critical thinking.

5. time is not just gold, it's a diamond. a "5 minute break turned 1 hour" is definitely a no-no.

6. focus, focus, focus! distractions are always present - blogging, fb-ing, ym-ing. basically anything involving social interaction is considered a distraction. living like a hermit crab is the key.

7. aside from focus(repeat infinitely), another thing i've learned is that location matters. studying in a cozy bed with the tv / radio on is a suicide mission especially if it's already 1 am in the morning and the exam is just a few hours away. might as well give in and just sleep.

8. highlighters, ball pens of different colors, post-its, and pencils have replaced my BFFs. they're my new BFFs. survival rate from med school without this is next to zero.

9. a little tip or hearsays here and there helps a little. widening social network increases success rate in med school.

10. lastly, 5 hours of sleep is a blessing. more than that is a vice similar to smoking, suicide.

there, just a few tips that i have learned based on my 1st shifting experience. and to think that i'm only on the tip of the iceberg. it's going to be a very, very, very long way before i get to the core of medicine. the silver lining: i got through with it. only the results will tell how much more effort should i put in.

oh how i love medicine.

on Pres. Aquino's inauguration

It was such an honour to witness Pres. Aquino’s inauguration even if it was just on TV. Watching him and listening to his speech made me feel more proud to be a Filipino. Here’s to hoping for a better Philippines in 6 years! Cheers!

On a side note, i think Mrs. Arroyo’s seemingly cold treatment to Pres. Aquino is a preview of what’s yet to come. With the formation of the Truth Commission headed by former SC chief justice Hilario Davide, i strongly believe that fair justice would prevail. And like what our newly proclaimed president stated on his speech, “there’s no reconciliation without justice”. So Mrs. Arroyo, i bid you good luck.

on med school

Consider this my first entry after a very long time. it was so long, i can't even remember what my last entry was about. Suffice to say, a lot of things happened and after the so much pondering whether to pursue medicine or not, i'm now officially a 1st year medicine student at PLM-CM.

It was not an easy road to begin with. With much debate with my mom (especially that of financial) i applied to several medical schools that i know offer the best medicine program. Unfortunately, i was not admitted to my dream school which was University of Santo Tomas (UST-fms). I also applied at FEU and DLSU and became eligible to enrol. However, my mom talked me into applying also at PLM-CM. Don’t get me wrong, i know PLM is really one of the best medical school there is (here in the Phils.) but i really didn’t really imagine myself studying here. One reason that lessened my appeal to this school is because this is my older sister’s alma mater. Just the notion that she had a good record here and that it was her batch who started a good streak for PLM’s board performance are enough pressure for me to freak out. Financially, this was a wise decision of course and since it was my mom who will pay for my school, it would just be fair that she chose the school where i should study.

So now, here i am a 1st year medicine student. And after 4 weeks of med school, i can now conclude that med school is tough. All the effort that i did during my pre-med years didn’t even reach 1/3 of the effort i am putting into med school now. They say that it is normal for freshmen to feel too stressed about school since we’re still on the adjusting phase and that eventually we’ll get the hang of it. Being the impatient me, can i just fast forward to the part where i have already adjusted and stress is just a snack that i eat whenever i feel like it?

They say to always think of the good side whenever you feel like giving up. Well the good side of what im doing is that i chose this path. I know this is what i really want. My decision of pursuing med feels right even up to now. I just need three things for now: patience courage and strength. And everything will be alright.

bitterness, AGAIN.

Yesterday i spent my whole day at Calgary. I joined a friend of mine who had an interview with this care home facility a few miles from downtown. The interview went great and my friend was asked when she can start. Here’s the dilemma. My friend and I went here in Canada to look for work. We hoped to get the same job on the same company and same location. But based on my experiences, it is very unlikely to get the things you hope for. So i kind of had this feeling that we will eventually have to separate. She is still undecided whether to accept the job or not because for one thing, being a live-in caregiver in a care home may drive you insane especially if you’re alone.

After the quick interview, we went to this mall to wait for another good friend of ours. We were there around 2pm (for the sake of preventing redundancy, let’s call our other friend B) and B met us around 6 already. He’s with a date though he insisted that it wasn’t a date, from the looks of it, it’s really was. I forgot to mention that B is gay. B’s date, let’s call him C, drove us around downtown and took us in this uphill view where you could see the whole city. It was really beautiful and breath-taking (literally, we had to climb around 100 steps just to get on top). I saw C making moves for B but B isn’t just that into C. Don’t get me wrong, i think is kind of cute but he doesn’t have that appeal. As C drove us home, he consistently made an effort for B to like him – opening his side of the car’s door, trying to find out what he likes and doesn’t and even asked B for a weekend getaway. B gave an ambivalent reaction and i can sense a feeling of irritation on his side.

Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning striking a tree and splitting it in two, i sense a feeling of jealousy. Jealousy on how B was being treated by C even though C knows he doesn’t have a chance. I suddenly wished i was B. Bitterness surrounded my whole being. I suddenly missed having an “us”. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that i suddenly missed having someone who i can be sweet with and be smitten to. that someone whom i can talk with in the wee hours of the morning to the point of falling asleep with my phone beside me. Someone to share my laughter or my anger. Someone who will stand by my side. I suddenly missed having a partner/bf. The thing is, it’s not in my character to fling around or as others would say, to play around the field. Believe it or not, i can be very loyal to the one i love as long as he doesn’t betray my trust. A strong characteristic of a true taurean based on my observation. I always seek for those long term relationship that seems to be very difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, i will still wait. But for the time being, i would just have to control my bitterness each time i see a happy couple. Darn it.

how jamir has been for the past couple of months

it has been a few months since i've posted something new in this blog. i know i have no followers here (or maybe just one) but nevertheless, i still want to continue blogging.

for the past 5 months that i have been inexistent in the blog world, a lot of things happened. 2 months ago, i applied for a canadian visa and had it approved a month after. about a month ago, i just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months who i thought was the love of my life. and just recently (2 weeks ago), i resigned from my job where i stayed for 7 months and decided to take a chance here in canada. you heard it right, i'm now in canada; in alberta to be specific and just a few miles away from calgary.

you might have thought that i have been living the dream here, but you're wrong. currently, i'm a bum with no backup plan besides going back to manila. but i'm not considering going back to manila anytime soon. i have a feeling that there's something good here in canada. that i could start a new future here. (cue in music: i've got a feeling by black eyed peas).

anyhoo, my blog entry wouldn't be complete if it doesn't have the trademark emo post. partly my reason of leaving for canada is because of my break up with my ex. for those of you who have read my previous blogs from my old blog site, he's the same guy i've been blabbering about ever since. and yeah, we made it official for us to be together 7 months ago. sadly, it only lasted for 7 freaking months. it ended up as how we always end things up, hanging. i texted him that i'm breaking up with him (insert reason why) and i got no reply from him. up to date, i haven't heard / read a single message from him. it sucks big time.

i tried to react differently after our break up. only a few of my friends knew about what happened. i think some of my friends still think that we are together up to now. this time, i did not make a scence anymore. as what they always say, "it is what it is". i don't have to color it up. it didn't work out and we broke up. plain and simple.

of course, there are times when i am forced to stop whatever i'm doing because i have suddenly thought of him. he's my persistent ghost of the past who wants to be remembered. but as days go by, i'm starting to learn how to be myself again - without him. little by little, i'm picking up the pieces that was left of me. and i just smile. because like what my friend once told me, "if no one else will love you for who you are, then you better start loving yourself."